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Wife went off today. Came home and found 8yr old used some of her xmas cards. kid was working away all morning trying to make something for his cousin I think and got roasted for it. She really got stuck into him. Went over it and over it until he started crying. I'm thinking damn, Christmas isn't supposed to be about getting stuck into each other over cards... ok so he is supposed to ask. He says he'll ask next time, but then drop it.

So I open my big mouth and try and defuse the situation by saying, come on lets keep it light. Christmas is about people and he was being generous etc. Well that was like waving a red rag to a bull. And I got both barrells. Suddenly the 8yr old was not the target, I was. Now, i'm not backing up the wife. Even though I totally agree with her, that he should have asked, yes the cards were expensive, yes she had plans for them etc. etc. but i was just sayin try and keep the spirit of Christmas alive here!

Then she accused me of screwing up our kids because we aren't united. I need to read the all parenting books because they all say that apparently. I'm not sure that we're disunited actually, given that I agree with everything she's saying. I'm just disagreeing with getting angry over things, when people and the way we treat them are more important than things. Heck I'll take a second job to buy her more cards just to make her happy.

Well, i tried to explain what i was trying to say. It always happens though. People get jacked at christmas time and start chewin each other out. Why does it have to be that way? Why do people get irritable, stressed and angry at Christmas time? Why is there so much pressure? Surely God gave Jesus at Christmas to reconcile us to him and one another and bring peace on earth. Somehow it has turned out to be war! Then she went right off. She started shouting and yelling and swearing.

Told me that what would I know about trying to raise kids and making a happy family home when I'm screwed up cos I came from a broken home. I tried to explain that because i'm from a broken home, I know what I want. Harmony. Love, peace, people that get along not fight like my parents did and ended up breaking up.

Then she tried a different tack. She said there's no point even talking to me because I'm screwed up in the head and that even though I think I'm making sense I'm not. She said I should go and pop more pills. She is going off regularly now. She was going off when she had her period last. Well that's an excuse. The kids asked me why she was like that, and I said because it's that time of month. But last week, she was going off about having a shit family and that everyone in the family treated her bad and that it was all my fault. I didn't react to that, just called her in the arvo to see if she was feeling better. But today, she wouldn't let go.

I wasn't trying to correct her or point out her failing. I was just trying to lift the atmosphere in the home a bit, because I hate a negative atmosphere. She is so insecure that even a comment like "let's keep things light and Chrismassy" says that I'm accusing her of being a failure. Wish she would deal with her damn insecurity cos it's drivin me nuts. I don't know why we are pissing her off so much. She's always going off at either the kids or me. I just don't know what to do. She reckons if she was in charge of the family, everything would be better... like she's not in charge? I'm certainly not in charge!

Worst thing is she wouldn't stop. After I went to get the kids some lunch (was toasting some cheese on bread for them in the griller) she kept coming into the kitchen chipping away and chipping away and going on and on with it. Well, I had enough. I hurled the empty can across the kitchen and announced to the family that they had a fucked up dad and she had a fucked up husband, that I was totally screwed and I was screwing them all up and they would be better off without me and left.

Whenever she gets into me, eventually I feel like a total waste of space and a failure. I feel like I'm a curse on my families life and that I should hang myself. I wonder what it would be like to have a belt around my neck and to feel the blood flow restricted to my brain and then the blackness. I think it would be peaceful and then I would be free from pain.

My home is like a prison. When she's angry with me it's like torture. I can't rest or recover in my home with her exploding like that. She's like a bomb with a trip wire. None of us know when it's going to trigger, but we all know it's just a matter of time. But for her, we're all to blame, so y'know, it's not her fault. She has no responsibility at all. Actually she's the most perfect person you could meet. So caring, kind, compassionate, empathetic and humble. Just wish it would extend to us.

Don't know why she's so angry... There's a bit of family history there I spose. Her dad had a stroke because of his temper. The difference between marriage and a prison sentence, is at least with prison, you know how much time you have left. Marriage could go on for a loooong time and if it's anything like mine, it will feel like quite a few lifetimes. For some reason, I just either can't improve fast enough for her, or be a certain person, or perform quite well enough. And when I fall short, watch out.

�I've cooked every night this week. Done four loads of washing. Looked after the kids. Nearly driven myself into the ground and come Saturday, I'm in the doghouse. What a fucked up life. I'm over my family.

Shirley opened her eyes and Dad told her who we were. She was happy we were there, she commented on my hair, "Phyl's hair looks nice". Bear wanted a compliment too but that was more of a joke and she got it.

We stood by the bed for a while when she started crying from the pain, it's so hard to see her like that. Then Dad told her, "it won't be long, the pain will go away and it won't come back". She was immediately settled by that, I think she knows the end is soon.

They told us that she came very close the other night, hospice confirmed that her vitals were reflecting that things were shutting down but within an hour she rallied and Lee told us that she looked at him and said, "I didn't die." They all laughed instead of cried.

Hugs, tears and words of love is all there is.

hi i,m back my surgery went very well and i feel fine not too much pain they used key hole surgery and i was home next day but now i have to sit arround and do nothing for at least four weeks may be even six but it was well worth it i would recommend a hysterectomy to any one who needs it done so now i can look forward to a pain free new year .

p.s thanks for all the lovley comments .

I hate saturdays.. i really do.

Its a hard day. because your all tired after friday.. but you have to get up early on saturday for piano. =( at 8:00.

and my fricken theory exam today. at 9:30.. i barely had breakfast. and i didnt really study anything but.. i took guesses and GOOD guesses. not random ones.. GOOD ones. i dunno.

Its been almost a year since I last posted here.� I have been really busy, concentrating on my classes!� But, I am done now!!!!!!� I graduate tomorrow!!!!� Really excited about that and hope to find work fairly soon.

Other than that....awful lot has happened that I would like to document here, like....history has been made!� We now have our first African American President, Barack Obama!!� Pastor is working on getting my daughter's school to include her in on the trip with the chorus to the inauguration in D.C., January 20th, 2009.� It's a big deal and he wants her to experience this historical event.

A couple of other things have happened which I will not mention because it has come to my attention that certain people are reading my journal....and they don't need to know anything about some things!���

Oh yeah, I have, since the last time I posted, Mikki and Vernell got married�on May 17th, the wedding itself turned out nice, yet prior to the wedding, of course there was some DRA-MA!!��Sis. Cynthia S. moved over to become the�President of the Senior Ushers, and referred me,�and I have�been appointed as Junior Usher Advisor at�the church (myself and Donna C.)� Our Pastor�also requested and�appointed me as Class Leader #11 for New Members....wow!� It's all good though because...it's time!� It's time that�I have a relationship with God, and not just be "a member" of the church.� To be honest, I am struggling a little with it because it is so easy to slip back into those old ways.� Also, Sis. Jackie Y., who is the�Pastor's�assistant (right-hand person)�is looking for assistance with her work in the church, as she is very overloaded, and maybe looking for me to assist her; Assistant to the Assistant!!��� Anyway.....

Other than that, I a really working on making some changes for myself and my daughter....and hopefully great things are in store for us both in the near future.

December 12, 2008

Thank you very much if you are reading this journal posting.� It means that you have probably checked the site many times to find that I had not posted anything for quite some time.� In mid November I finished up with my work at the Jeff Gordon Racing School and I am now looking for my next big gig.� I am now working a seasonal job at a local department store.� I work at the fragrance counter.� It’s pretty fun work, the people are nice and the schedule allows me to continue job hunting.� I have many irons in the fire, some are mildly hot and other are just warm but everyday I try to stick a new one in there.� I am confident that I fill find the right opportunity for me, it just takes patients (lots of patients).

I really have not written because I felt that I did not have much to report and that was because professionally things are moving at a snails pace.� It’s not good or bad, it’s just how it is.� However, personally things are just great.� I told someone yesterday that professionally this is about the lowest point I have ever been at in my working life but personally I am doing quite well.� �I feel that I have really grown as in individual since I moved to Mooresville.� Surviving in a city where you know, no one, really makes a person go outside their “comfort zone”.� I am grateful for the opportunity I have been provided to really expand my horizons.� It’s a great felling to know that when required you can step up to the plate and do what is required.� It has been a real boost in my confidence level that things greater that I ever could have imagined can be accomplished.�

Jokingly I told a friend today that having to take a seasonal job at department store while pursing my “dream job” and�earing not�much more that minimum wage (which I don’t even really now what it is, but I do know you can’t survive very long on it) will make for some good drama in my memoirs.� �I consider this my “paying my dues” time.

Today is a wonderful friday! things have been running really smooth with the start off of a wonderful luncheon that my boss threw for the ERT members. Good Job michele!��today is the start off to hopefully a really relaxing and exciting weekend! My nephew is turning 1 year old tomorrow, its funny how fast 12 months can fly and a person's life can change in just so little time. with my new nephew around, the family has definitely came closer and so has the age of the rest of our family to start popping out some kids. Im now 21 years old (still in my Prime) but have considered maybe having one for sake of a new chapter to start in my everyday routine life. BUT, Im pretty happy not having to deal with the worries and headaches that come with a child. I plan to live up my prime as much as possilbe. Lately, I been trying to figure out if my friends are my true friends. I lived an hour away a few months back and i just recently moved closer to my hometown and things still seem distant with them. I would always make the effort to make time for them and spend $40.00 dollars a saturday just so i could be in the comfort of my old high school chicas! but the favor hasnt been returned as often as i would like and as often I made time for them! Oh well, is all i can say now but in time hopefully there effort will improve. besides all the sad stories i can go on and on about, my new place, I absolutely adore! everyday after work i love to go home walk through the door and slip off my 4 inch high heels, and dig my toes into the plush carpet in the living room, grab a blanket and veg out on the couch watching my fav, "what not to wear." tonight will be one of those nights, maybe but i think i might have me a glass a wine and add my new cozy slippers i bought. Happy Friday everyone!